The C Word

caesarean

I was so so unprepared!

This post is quite reflective and I have delayed posting as my pal Natalie was preparing for the birth of her second baby and was keen for it to be as natural as possible and I didn't want any thoughts of intervention to come into her mind when labouring her boy. (Which incidentally she did beautifully and completely naturally with no pain relief- YES MUMMA!)





I planned on having a natural water birth in the middle of the forest and I ended up with a clinical, intervention ridden, hospital birth.

Now of course, I am glad that AB arrived safely and it was all out of my control but I was so gutted and had made no preparation for this.

I loved the spinal block and feeling numb, I did not love what I was left with.
For days I couldn't walk upright, for weeks I couldn't move properly and for months I felt like my body wasn't (still isn't) mine.

I was left with some horrific bruising, inside and out and there was some water retention, swelling, bleeding, all sorts. Still now, 5 months later I feel tightening in my tummy and ache after a long day.
For 6 weeks I couldn't drive anywhere, stuck indoors feeling shocked and sore. I can't really describe what my brain felt like. I felt so mad at my body for not being healed enough to move around quickly and my frustration led to not enough rest which probably made my recovery last longer.

Now, I have more or less come to terms with it, but still some days feel like I have been hit by a bus. My torso is shot and my scar, though healing, is angry and red and has a flap of skin over it that will never go. My pelvic floor muscles cramp sometimes after weeing still and my back, my god, my back is so painful from over compensating because my front muscles were cut to get the baby out. More recently I have had shooting pains down my leg and I live in fear of what the spinal block might have done. I will probably end up writing a post about my back because it has become such a thing.

The biggest thing for me after having a C-section, is the mental side of things. I feel so guilty that I feel this way but I'm irritated. I'm irritated that my body wouldn't for once in its scraggy life it couldn't hold it together to get that baby out. Really, it was doing it, Annora didn't like it. Rings true to most things I try to do these days !!

I think I'm just angry that intervention led to intervention and I had to have major surgery in such a rush. My scar is jagged and bumpy and by no means the neat little line of a planned section. That said, I actually don't mind the apperance of my scar and if it wasn't so sore I wouldn't even think about it. Every time I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror when I get changed or getting in and out the shower I smirk a bit, its a battle scar. My battle continues but this scar reminds me that I survived pregnancy because my god what a battle that was.

I'm not ready to post any scar pictures, one day, maybe. In it's place have a stock photo illustration of Julius Caesar's birth... I can tell you, this is fairly on point...😂





2 comments

  1. Oh I can feel your pain reading this. I understand all too well how this all feels having planned for a natural birth and ended up with a category 1 emcs with my first baby. That too was a result of interventions. I know how raw it all feels for you, physically and emotionally and I promise you it does get better. 5 years on it does still bother me emotionally, but physically I have no pain anymore. The scar has healed pretty ugly though, I have some 'pouching' on one side. I did have a wonderful healing home birth with my second though which helped immeasurable. I wrote about both my birth experiences on my blog, as well as how I overcame my birth trauma. You might find them helpful. I'm sending you healing vibes at this difficult time.

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    1. That's so great that you went on to have such a natural second delivery. It's just so annoying that I felt there was so much taken out of my hands and I don't know whether any of it was a choice or not really!
      Time is a healer and I will get over it, I just feel so mad about it sometimes!

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